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Im still here!

So as I’m typing this I am in the middle of working out on the elliptical at the gym! I recently joined as a way to a) lose this weight that I need o get rid of and to b) keep m mind clear during the week when hubs isn’t home..he took that new job, which results in him being gone a few nights a week. So i go to thé gym about 5 days a week. So far im getting used to it.
On the infertility front, were still trying but we haven’t used any drugs..because hubs isn’t always home. So in a few months I’m going to make an appointment with an RE, and an acupuncturist.
Well that’s all for now. I’ll update later!

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Merry Christmas ya’ll!

It’s that time of year again, where families gather and stories are told, and children are held close. It’s that time of year where people who long for children feel left out. It’s also that time of year again, when the most simple heart ache feels 10x worse than it should. It’s that time of year where we ‘want our Christmas miracle to happen.’ but alas another negative test occurs. We wonder if it’ll ‘ever happen to us’. Ya’ll, I know it will, but I would love to be able to know when. I’ve never been one to have to know when things occur; however this is a nother story. I want to be in control of my body, well more in control. Theres only so much that I can do! Anyways, enough about the sappy stuff, right? Let’s get on the road, Jack!

I emailed my mom about hubs and I being infertile (yuck, that just makes me cringe, even typing that). Call me a coward, but I didn’t know how else to do it. I was scared shitless, and God knew that Hubs wasn’t going to say it either. It was about a page and a half of information, starting from June 2008 to current. I didn’t hear from her the next day, and she didn’t mention it at lunch with the fam the following day (thursday). She did however call me later that night, and say “did you want to talk about your e-mail?” I honestly told her, not really, but we ended up talking anyways. Are you guys ready for this SHOCKING news? Okay well here goes…

SHE HAD TROUBLE WITH INFERTILITY TOO!!! It took her 4 years to conceive my oldest sister…I blantently said “And why am I just hearing about this?” It was weird, she knew a lot about what I was talking about, but she said we’re lucky, as 34 years ago when they were trying there wasn’t health insurance to cover treatments and they paid 100% out-of-pocket. It was just a little reassuring that she knows. I’m debating wether or not to give her my blog site; that way she can read up on us if I don’t tell her…I don’t know yet.

Anyways, I better get back to the ICLW commenting, I’ve been pretty lazy, lol!

MERRY CHIRSTMAS!!

Everyone needs a good cry

So last night, hubs and I were lying in bed and we were just talking-the dogs were cuddled up with us, too. It was about 8:30. (I know, call us old, but hubs had to be to work at 4:00.) All of a sudden, I just let out this big sigh; I was so worried about everything that I just needed to let myself know that it will be okay. I was just worried about money, and upset that we still aren’t pregnant. I think I muttered, “I feel like I’m broken” and then the water works started; I couldn’t contain it. Hubs hugged me and tried to console me, but nothing seemed to work. It just got worse, and I settled down, then said “it’s been almost 2 years since we started” and I lost it again. I think I just needed a good cry. I also said “I wish I had someone to talk to about all this, I feel like I have no one” Then, my lovely husband said “you have your blog friends!” HOW COULD I FORGET YOU GUYS!? After a little while, I said,  I just wish I get this job (Read more about that below)
Hubs started a new job, so we’re just a little behind on our income; we’re getting everything paid and things are on time, but it’s hard when you have to stretch out money for weeks. Yikes. Anyways, with this income we’re about to save more/pay off more debt and make life better for a baby! Then over the weekend, I interviewed for a full-time nannying (is that a word?) position for a 10 month old girl, which is about 10 miles from our house. So, that alone would save us SO much in gas. (I drive 60 miles round trip to work a day, right now) After I went to the bathroom to wash my face, and settle down from my whole fiasco; my new boss called! I GOT THE JOB! I will be making more than what I’m making now, and I will be CLOSER! We might be able to get this baby thing on the road sooner than I thought! Seriously, God couldn’t have answered our pleas/prayers anytime sooner!! GOD IS GOOD!
It’s Monday; I have a 3 day week, and then next week is a 3 day week and I start my new job on the 3rd!! I’m so excited!

Insert title here…

I don’t really have too much to say. I honestly don’t know what to say….I’m upset because so far this cycle has been a bust. I have had nothing that indicates I’m ovulating, no cramps indication AF is going to show. All that I’ve gotten is more angry at myself for not being able to get pregnant. It sucks. I can see it in hubs face too when we talk about it. He feels like he should be able to help more than he is, but really there isn’t anything he can do. It just makes me upset that I can’t provide the family for him that he has wanted. Like I said here, I think God does really have a plan for us. Whether or not that plan is to have a baby is beyond me. I hate sounding so negative, because I know I haven’t tried everything is the world to achieve pregnancy, but I’ve done what we can afford. Granted we can afford IUI’s but right now isn’t the best time for us to do that-I can’t take off too much of work until after the new years, and it just bothers me. I’m sort of feeling…let’s go with left out. Partially because 2 of the blogs that I read got miracle BFP’s. One, her and her husband both suffer from infertility issues and were planning their FET in January-the other has been trying for so long! I feel like I’m the only one left. Don’t get me wrong, AT ALL. I’m SO HAPPY for Hannah and Mrs. Joe, that I can’t even believe it! I love seeing those BFP’s, just wish it was mine. I can’t wait to see these guys start their lives as pregnant and enjoy the updates. I really am.

With that being said-I think I’m going to be silent for a while. I need to really focus on my life. On my husband and family. I need to remember that God did give me them, and they’re what’s most important. I think we’re going to skip next cycle, and not use the Clomid too. Who know’s maybe I’ll get my miracle BFP too! So, sorry if I’m MIA for a while-I’m sure it wont be for too long, but I’ll see what makes me feel best.

Life.

I really am beginning to realize that God does have a plan for us. However, I feel he has a rough draft for us and hasn’t quite published our story yet. Each day brings new things, and with those new things come more opportunities. Everyone likes those, right? Well, hubs has been battling trying to find a decent job since his the company he worked for shut down. It was hard at first, but he found jobs that paid well, but didn’t necessarily give him room for advancement, and he didn’t really like them either. They were just a stepping stone to get him on his feet again. He’s a blue-collar guy at heart, and that’s the way he’ll always be. That’s obviously fine with me, I married him for him-not his job! Well, he was offered a job as a truck driver. Working for a really great company about 20 minutes from where we live. This was an opportunity I didn’t want him to pass up, but didn’t want him to take if he didn’t want to. The problem is, he may have to be gone a few nights out of the week. Yikes. What if he’s gone when we need to get down to business? It will screw things up. That’s exactly what I thought when he told me that. It just made me realize that maybe this chapter is where we save up more money and pay off more debt!? I think that would be awesome, however I want my husband at home 😦 Oh well, maybe with him doing this, I’ll be able to quit my FT job and get something more part-time at a Vet clinic. (for those of you who are new, I’m going to Vet Tech School). Maybe there will be less stress, and I’ll be able to focus on myself, and lose some more weight! I will be able to spend more time with my babies puppies and maybe more time with friends. Who knows! All I know is that I appreciate all that hubs has done for me in these last 6 years we’ve been with each other. I love him now more than I ever have. He want’s nothing more than to be able to support a family, and this job will give him that opportunity. Thank God. He sent me a text today, and it made me smile. The words that I read were music to my ears. I love that man so much!

Hubs: I dont feel stressed
Me: about what?
Hubs: life i feel relaxed
Me: Well that’s good, as long as you’re happy I’m happy!

Kelsey